its time ..


have u ever caught up in a moment where u know u shud learn to let things go? or may be just go on wit d flow n let things be fer wat ever reason it is? i have, but then i dont know why is it so hard to let it go .. is it cos of d feelings dat attached to it, or is it cos u dont want to take things fer granted, either way i'm still lose .. a most pathetic loser u've ever knew ..

i have tried to at least just let sense come in every one, but none of it actually matters to them .. either they really like to hurt me or they just dont care .. but i do, i do care about every one i knew n especially d one who get dat close to me .. but i just lost d sense to b strong to face dis sense dat makes no fact to me at all ..

this is d time to let go, but i wonder, if i let this go, only to fine out i havent try hard enough, i'll regret it my whole life .. but then, wen will this end n where will it took me? i'm still waiting, hoping fer u to come back .. i know i look pathetic like dis but, at least i'm trying in any possible way i know i can .. i'm so sad right now, u know u can bring smile to my face so please .....

i'm begging u

just end dis .. (if u wish so ..)


is it wrong to have loved sumone so deary?
is it wrong to love sumone one dat much dat u willing to let go off everything?
is it wrong to love without have to question everything?

i knew u, i get to know u, i met u .. n i have said i love u even before i meet up wit u .. i didnt mean to bored u wit myself, but if u didnt really want to love me, u can just say so, so i wont b hurt as much as dis .. did i ask so much of u dat u cant stand me anymore?

i'm so sorry, very sorry if u have felt dat way, just let me know dat u didnt need to b wit me anymore, so i wont bother u ever again .. wat have i done wrong?

so, dis is it .. dis is d last time u will ever see one piece of me, i wish u well, i wish u ur happiness, i wish u wouldnt treat anyone else like u did me .. thanx netlog, fer giving me another chance to met n to love dis sumone ..

i wish i can still cuddle in ur arms like before, i wish i can still feel safe wit u just like before, i wish i can love u for ever .. but, i guess i was never in ur list of happiness ..

True love ..


True love is when you shed a tear and still want him. It's when he ignores
you and you still love him. It's when he loves another you still smile and
say I'm happy for you. When all you really do is cry...and cry.

i just happen to find dis wen i was looking fer sumthing over d internet, is it really true? well, i guess it is .. cos i do happen to cry fer u, wen u havent call or sms me over 24hours, but i still want u .. wen i feel u're too busy to remembers me, i still love u as much as i cud have ..

childish u might say of me, but i happen to have lots of love fer u n all i ever want is u .. n i'm hoping dat u cud have want me as much as i have of u .. hmm, how i wish i cud b next to u n be pampered again .. u r so much in my mind, m i in urs too?

me .. (am i gud enough??)

hye ..

ermm, its been great 2, 3 days ago .. i'm all dats on ur mind, but now .. suddenly u sound different, i'm become afraid .. afraid dat may b u dun need me anymore, afraid dat u might sumone else but me .. i dun kno but may b i sound strange, but dats how i feel today ..

my heart says things i didnt wanna kno or listen to, cos i trust u .. i hope u kno i do, i really do .. its just sad, really sad ..

m i not gud enough?
i've tried but may be not enough
m i not gud enough?
tell me, so i wont do same thing twice ..

i dun kno wat is it dat make me so sad
is it dat i care so much about u
or is it dat i dun wanna lose u
either way, i m sad wen u're not here

teary eyes ..


i sit there silently,
my eyes was empty,
its u dat i see,
but u're not there, in my reality ..

i stood there motionlessly,
my eyes still empty,
its still u dat i see,
but u're still not there in my reality ..

i watch tv, solemnly,
my eyes was teary,
i remembers wat u say to me,
dat u care fer me, dat u need me ..

i believe u, i trusted u, n now i still do,
but i'm not sure wat hapen n i dont know wat i'll do,
i still misses u n hoping u know dat i do,
but may b i was wrong dat u no longer need me to ..

its just sumthing i didnt wish to know, dat i have been left alone .. i said to a fren, dat i'm already geting used to be left alone n now i'm imune to loneliness, sadness n sorrowness dat cud surround me. yesterday, i was watching astro kirana movie in title 'Driving Miss Wealthy' .. i couldnt care a less about d driving n how to make miss wealthy understand how hard it is to earn money .. but looking how lovingly d actress n d actor towards each other .. m so touched ..

all d sudden i felt my cheek felt warm, sumthing runing down my cheek .. my eyes suddenly seeing blurry images .. i'm crying silently .. i was thinking about u, i'm getting worried .. no news fer days, dats not how exactly u wud act to me .. u pomise me u will tell mehow u're doing, but nuthin .. we've been so far, n yet u still sent me to be more apart from u ..

its fine, if dats wat u want .. i cant say anything more then wat i've already said .. i was wishing we cud b more then dis, but my luck is not so gud .. i praise u ..
may u have everything u want in dis world, may u have al d hapiness u deserved .. i'm just gonna stay silent, no more promises ..

wat happen??


hmm .. i was so happy being on top of d wheel, i was so preoccupied of being happy n forget dat d wheel can turn any second n bring me so down to a level i cant even imagine being there anymore ever again .. but, like it or not, i'm there at d downside of d wheel .. how frustrated i must be?

at first things went so well, n i'm smiling all d time .. but may b i've missed a step, or two, dat i didnt realize wat i did was wrong, n have hurt u without knowing i do .. all i ever wanted was fer me to behappy, fer me to make u happy .. but i was too busy making sure u're happy, i've forgoten wat u really want .. n now, i'm wondering ..

do u really like me, sincerely .. or may be cos i've pushed u to feel dat way ... do u really happy being wit me, honestly .. or may b u claim dat cos of sympathy by me being pathetic? may be sumone might ask, where's my instinct now dat telling me u r sincere to me before? where's my bravery of telling u how i felt, n teling u wat i feel now?

i'm so sorry to have wrote dis, may be u didnt like it at all .. i can just delete it later, yea i will .. seems like i've given up on u, may b i am .. but not given up on u, but i've given up on me .. on me alone .. hmm sorry, m to caught up wit dis whole thing .. i should not expecting things cud turn out differntly fer us, i shouldt not have done dat .. hmm ............

all i wish was fer u
to have find ur happiness
to have found ur greatness

all i wish was fer u
to owez b happy
to owez be great

all i wish was fer u
to be here n now
to be near n close

but i guess it's ok
if i'm not ur happiness anymore
cos i'm sure u'll find one on ur own

n thank you .. so much

aku dan ke'aku'anku ..

selalu aku mebayangkan kemungkinan untuk memilikimu, tapi kemungkinan yang aku bayangkan amat sedikit untuk menjadi nyata .. selalu aku menginginkan dirimu, akan tetapi keinginan ku terhalang kerana kesendirian dirimu .. selalu aku bermimpikan dirimu, tapi aku kehilangan dirimu saat mataku celik sewaktu dinihari ..

aku dan ke'aku'an ku ..
mengingini sesuatu yang dibatasi waktu
mengimpikan sesuatu yang dihalangi temu
memiliki satu yang tak mungkin jadi kepunyaanku

dimana kamu yang ingin ku miliki
kerana ku rasa kurang bila sendiri
dimana kamu yang selalu ku impi
kerana ku rasa sedih sekali

aku mencari sesuatu yang tak pasti milikku, tapi pencarian ini serasa bererti .. aku berlari mengejar sesuatu yang samar, tapi samar hilang ditelan sesuatu yang gelap .. aku berdiri disini, kerana mengharapkan arah darimu yang mungkin mahu mengerti ..

aku dan ke'aku'an ku ..
mengingini, membayangi, dan mengimpi
sedar semuanya akan hilang tapi masih mahu berharap

aku dan ke'aku'an ku ..
mencari, mengejar dan akhirnya cuma berdiri
sedar ke'aku'an ku bukan abadi
akhirnya aku pergi mengundur diri ......................



umi and cucu umi
(luv umi so much)

illusions, or just adreamers?


sumone once told me, i was a dreamer .. i ask myself, wats wrong by being a dreamer? then d other person jump into d picture n telling lots of wrongs to be jst a dreamer ..

he said :
to a dreamer i cannot touch, i send my love in a lullaby ..
to a lips i cannot kiss, i blow u one right now ..
fer a waist i cannot hold, i send to u my biggest hugs ..
fer a love i cannot consummate, i send to u my hottest letters ..
i only see u thru my computer, but i love u just d same ..
so i send to u dis page of dreams, n dis wonderful lullaby fer u to sleep ..
so we can hear it as we sleep, n touch in our dreams ...

i was captured by dat, probably i shouldnt but i did .. its just so sweet n i wish i'm d only person to receive dis appreciation, but may be i'm just too cought up n didnt want to think otherwise .. it has blinded my eyes to see, deafen my very ears to listen .. shallowing my mind to think further ahead.

its been years, but still d grasp of everthing seems very tight .. i was hoping u cud help me get out of dis, but may be i have ask so much of u dat i shouldnt have .. its been even lonelier at times like dis, but wishes dont come true anymore .. i wish to do things i wanted to do, i wish i can make u here n be two, i wish so hard dat i can make me happy, i wish .. i wish .. i wish ..

may be i should just gave up, i wanna feel wat its like being a quitter .. i wanna know wat it feels like being a loser .. i'll be quiet from everyone, i guess dat will make everyone happier .. dont mind me, i'm just a person who passed by in ur life .. wish u a great life ahead ..

alone again ..

hmm .. if u were given a chance to get to know sumone, wud u take d risk? i never wanted to take any risk any morejust before i met dis guy .. we've been frens n all, n i missed few steps dat i already cross d line .. i'm drawing d line but sumhow, i forget its there to protect me .. so i took another risk ..

but day by day pass by, i always knew it wud not work .. but y do i stil hang on to it? because i'm too tired to start things over again, n ridiculously dis is where i went wrong .. i neglected almost everyting including how i've been hurt just to gain his love ..

i might have been played but didnt realize it, but its no one's fault but mine alone .. n in time there's sumone who sincerely being a fren, n may be i'm just taking him fer granted .. dat i didnt realize what i have make him feel, tought about me .. i've never felt so lonely like dis before ..

i lost 2 great things dat ever happen to me in one nite .. he who i wud love, had left me .. him who i cud have great relationship with, i pushed him away without noticing it .. may be i was meant to be alone, i should just accept it .. i dont think i can manage all this anymore ..
God, take me away from all this ..

isk isk .. (why??)

here's something that i really dont wish to know, read, remind of or what ever you call it as .. once called a memory that i'd be choosing. i'm done partly from that frustration which had eat my heart out. i didnt really wish to play all of it back but just now it seems .. like there's something that really urges me to flip back to those pages. some people said, when you're thinking about someone, that someone could also be thinking about you too. urgh! yikes, like that could really happen. but, wouldnt .. couldnt it be a joy fer me to know that somehow .. he could be thinking of me .. fer a slight moment? i know i just couldnt stop thinking about him, even when i was up with kinky act with this guy .. somehow there's still him. he's the first man who touches me that way .. smoothly slipped thru my heart. God! i missed him ..

sure right now he's in bed with his pregnant wife .. sound asleep; and me here still thinking about him at this stupid hour. i shouldnt still hung up to the same story all over again but i cant really help it. here's somethin .. each time i thought i've made up my mind that i'm done with guys .. there would be someone who will give me a call. no matter if i knew him or not .. or someone who barely call me since they had my number .. they'll be calling and the timing is always right .. when i choose to let go of what i have. geesh! i'm freaking out already ..

i admit it that somehow i'm feeling a little bit of joy knowing someone wants to treat me kind like he once did .. i'm feeling appreciated. i do, but since i somehow knew it wouldnt last .. i just choose to be a little over protective by any chance. its hard but i just couldnt believe it that fer once i manage to hide away from it. by means that i have succesfully rejected the feeling i've been missing. God! this is just an achievement that i really have had enough of. this has really have to stop, i'd still have to fulfil my action list that i've listed. so, okay that right now i'm kinda forget some of the things that i have to do .. i'm out ..

one time .. two time ....


" this is even hard fer me to say, pls let me let u go ... "

i thought i never would've heard or read any kind of this situations anymore .. i dont know why i've been so like 'drama queen' lately .. i've been happy, but feels like i need to do sumthing .. and i did ..

d result is so disappointing, n i'm d one who cry fer things dat i did .. i felt wrong, n fer d matter dat really stupid .. i've been wondering wat he did wrong, nuthin .. wat ive don wrong, a lot .. it makes me scary to think of thg i'm capable of but not noticing it ..

hellllppppp!!!