Eulogy For a Love From Charma ...

We start of as being fren, cos at first i do think of his status of being married to sumone .. and of cos having kids of his own makes me think deeper to be involved wit dis guy .. but i must have missed a step or two, cos i didnt know wat change d frenship into a feeling so sweet as dis .. when i'm in need of a fren, he's there without expecting anything in return .. he's owez around when discomfort hits me at its best ..

his words of comfort owez calms my nerve when i'm on d edge of my pathetic life, his hands owez ready to catch me if ever i'm going to fall .. he cares, even he knew he cannot offer me more than wat he already gave me .. he loves, even when he knew its forbidden n might not have a happy ending .. he tries, to be so many things to me and fer me even when at times he have to sacrifice a lot on his own ..

being wit him was a happy moments in my life .. he learns a lot when he teaches me to be strong, he owez knew d best way to guide me when i'm so lost n didnt know where to find my way back .. Charma is a simple caring guy, who never try so hard but he is so many gud things to a person like me .. he's so far away, but when i'm in need, he'll try his best to be near .. i know i'm not gud enuff, not strong enuff ..

and when its so hard fer me, i wish i cud let him go so i wont b a burden to him .. i ask him to let me let him go, but then we cry, fer d thot of not being together anymore .. fer d thot of only being able to look but not touch, only to feel but not expressed .. fer d thot dat we cud only b an imagination to dat special person in our life ..

yes .. he is very special to me, i love him as much as a person cud have .. but its just not gud enuff fer me n him to b together, its just not enuff .. remembering him now is actually a knife slicing my heart, he didnt know, n most probably he'll never knew about dis .. so from now on, dis feeling will only b a memory in my heart of hearts .. i'm missing him every now n then, i cry fer him every now n then, but he will never knew .. never

me .. so sad?!?!?

this last couple of weeks have been hell inside my heart, wat trigger d fire within me is still unknown to myself .. i feel insecure, there's nuthin or no one dat can help me to control dis feeling .. i feel lonely, no one wud care or understand how badly i am in need of a hand to hold me close .. i feel sad in jealousy, but its no one fault, its just me being so stupid to let all dis feeling take control over me ..

a very close fren of mine have found her happiness lately, n she take d opportunity to share it wit me, ouh n i'm so happy fer her .. but in silent i question my fate, y is my happiness always been taken away from me in a hurry .. i felt happiness, but when i'm trying to thank sumone fer it, it has been taken away from me .. sumtimes it went away in silence, sumtimes it went away in a gasp of a breath dat i try to breathe ..

have i been so mean before? have i hurt anyone before? i dont think so, cos as i remembered .. people keep hurting me .. hmm i know, i know .. i may have sound pathetic .. so, who cares ...

it is true .. tapi kadang tu oleh sebab dah terbiasa .. kita tak mau berubah ..

Mandi Hujan laaaa ....


ari ni ujan lagi la, sejak petang tadi ujan tak berenti .. kejap lebat, kejap renyai .. bila dah lebat tu, ati ni menggelitik nak main air ujan .. tanpa tunggu lama, sya amik tuala terus jalan straight je ke luar .. amierah perati je, mungkin die fikir "ape kena ude ni?" hehehehe ude die dah kemaruk nak mandi ujan ni weiiii .. makin lebat ujan, makin kuat angin .. makin kuat angin, makin sejuk la weiiiii ehehehehe best best mandi ujan .. tak lama duk bawah ujan, amierah lak datang nak join sama .. budak ni kan, tak leh la tengok uda die senang sket, asyik nak nyibuk jee eeee ...

seronok nyer bile dapat mandi ujan, sama rasa nya dapat mandi air sungai yang sejuuuukkkk sangat ngan lia kat nuang ari tu .. rasa free, bebas, teringat lak masa budak2 dulu .. mandi ujan ramai2 sambil main kejar2 .. hmm sandi lak tetibe .. mana la kawan2ku masa kecik dulu ye? kan seronok kalau leh ulang balik zaman tu .. memang sya enjoy betul2 jadi budak2 .. kalau boleh tak mo jadi dewasa cam skang ni, nyusahkan idup je .. kalau jadi budak2 takde fikir lain, asyik nak main je .. main teng teng. main galah panjang, main batu seremban .. best best ..


tapi bila dah abih kegembiraan mandi ujan tu kan, tetibe jadi sandi balik .. tak tau apsal .. hmmm

Siti Wafa Mardhiah
24.03.2009 0322hrs Tuesday


comel tak? comel tak? ekekek yang satu ni yang paling bungsu sekali dalam keluarga sya .. nama die Siti Wafa Mardhiah Binti Mohd Rizal .. nama tu sya yang pilih (tu pasal yang bangga lebih) ekekeke rutin dah jadi sama cam masa fahmi lahir ari tu .. so sya juat tunjuk gambo je la ye .. lain2 tu nanti la sya edit ekkekeke sakit M melanda siott ..



















ni baru abih minum susu ..
















ni pulak cam tau2 je ude die nak amik pic ..















close up sket ..































wakakakka .. yang ni ulat beluncas ciptaan sya .. amierah farhana

Kerna Ku Sayang Kamu - Dygta

Seandainya kau ada disini dengan ku
Mungkin ku tak sendiri
Bayangan mu yang selalu menemaniku
Hiasi malam sepiku

Ku ingin bersama dirimu
Ku tak akan pernah berpaling darimu
Walau kini kau jauh dariku
Kan selalu ku nanti kerna ku sayang kamu

Hati ini selalu memanggil namamu
Dengarlah melati ku
Ku berjanji hanyalah untukmu cintaku
Takkan pernah ada yang lain

Adakah rindu dihati mu
Seperti rindu yang ku rasa
Sanggupkah ku terus terla tanpamu disisiku
Ku kan selalu menantimu

did try to put in an mp3 file, but tak leh lak .. cube la cari lagu ni, best sangat

1st March 2009 Sunday 1951hrs
Wat A Dull day?!?! (uhuk)

alamak aii .. ari ni saje je ikut suke ati nak bangun kul 10 pagi, ntah apsal la tak bermaya je nak bangun ari ni .. bangun dah awal dah tadi tapi saje je memejamkan mata balik .. nak kata tido tak jugak, nak kata bangun pun tak jugak .. ape2 la kan janji bangun lewat .. wakakaka bangun tido je dah dengar anak sedara kena bambu ngan ayah die adehhh ader ke ari yang lebih baik agak nyer???

bangun je ader mesej kat tepon, ingat mamat mana la yang rindu kat sya pagi2 ahad ni .. sekali celcom da .. cam tak de masa lain lak nak anta mesej celcom ni, cube la bagi kredit banyak2 ke .. hadiah macam2 ke .. ni takat mesej, ampehhh je celcom ni .. adiah?? ye ye adiah .. ari ni ari jadi ku huhuhuhuhu takkan la ari jadi sendiri pun leh lupe ye tak .. saje je kut2 la ader yang nak bagi seprais ke kan

sia2 je harapan ku .. tak de sape ingat rupe nye .. call umi sya, die pun tak ingat huhuhuhuhu tapi tak pe la kan, banyak yang perlu umi sya fikirkan so kira dimaafkan la .. umi siap nyanyikan lagu selamat hari lahir lagi, syahdu nye rasa ati .. ayah lak leh tido daa jam 11 tadi ekekeke ayah ku memang nappy time die la ni jam ni, sya je call silap timing .. huhuhu

hmmm ntah la .. pa pe pun semoga tahun ni membawa rezeki .. selamats semua ....

14th February 2009
p/s: i love you

I dont know, but all d sudden dis v day just making me feel all mushy and sloppy .. d show on tv is all lovey dovey, radio is mostly d same .. my niece and nephew also includes to making today is almost hell fer my feeling .. and without any gud excuses i'm making myself sensitive and teary; i didnt know why but i'm feeling so lonely and really alone ..

i do have frens and my family is close to me, but its just making me feel so lost and sad .. all d sudden i just reminded back to a love dat i cud have but i cant .. a love dat i wanted but was denied .. a love dat most welcome but had forbid to me .. i hate dis feeling, i cud cry over dis .. it felt right at one point but on d other hand, it doesnt ..

fer a dreamer i cannot touch, i send my love in a lullaby
fer a lilps i cannot kiss, i blow u one right now
fer a waist i cannot hold, i send to u my biggest kiss
fer a love i cannot consummate, i send to u my hottest letters
i only see u thru my computer, but i love u just d same
so i send to u dis page of dreams, to be my voice to u
and dis wonderful lullaby fer u to sleep
so we can hear it as we sleep, and touch in our dreams

its just a wonderful thing in life, but y people keep taking me fer granted? was i doomed not to have love at all???

Its February Again ..

Aper la yang sibuk sangat ngan bulan febuari ni? Bukannyer ader aper pun sebenarnye, its just sebab kite selalu tengok so jadi macam kebiasaan la, bukannya nak menyambut pun sebenarnye, cuma bila orang yang bercinta mula menunjuk2 nak2 lagi bulan ni, kita pun jadi terasa sama la bahang hangatnya cinta tu .. cheh bahasa ku ..

cam orang yang ader boyfren/girlfren, ader tunang, ader suami/isteri .. mesti seronok nak menghangatkan dunia cinta diorang, yang masih sendiri cam sya ni, pandang je la .. sedih ke? tak de la jugak, just terasa je .. kalau ader boyfren pun, bukannye leh sambut .. bukan nak sambut pun sebenarnye, just nak menunjuk .. tapi bukan ader orang faham pun .. nanti diorang akan cakap takkan nak jadi kafir kut .. astagaaaa ..

bukan nak ikut mengamalkan ajaran kafir .. menyambut kelahiran valentino tu .. cume nye, hmm meriah sket hidup kalau dihargai masa ni .. tul tak? (ke aku je ni?) pionss ooo pionss .. nak la bunge dalam 2, 3 tangkai .. bunge ros pink tau .. (cian nyer aku ni, sampai mintak kat pions lagi) huhuhuhuhu kadang bile teringat cinta yang tak kesampaian tu kan, sedih gak .. sedih sebab tak kesampaian .. ntah aper la masalah nyer yang leh tak kesampaian tu .. bukan nyer ader mintak aper pun, tapi tak de jodoh gak .. iye la kut ..

hmmm

A Babysitter By Day???

HUHUHUHUHU me??? babysit??? alamak aiii .. lotih den memikirkan ea. Last tuesday, sya pegi la umah akak sya kat seremban 2 .. die dah tunggu hari je(pegnen la ni) so, ari ni sebab die takut kena masuk spital, die mintak la sya tolong tengok2kan anak2 die yang 3 orang lagi .. adehhh dah lama lak tak jaga budak ni, risau gak .. kang sore terlebih kuat, ngadu lak budak2 tu kat bapak die. bukan takut pun ngan bapak die sebeno beno nye, cume kesian lak bile bapak budak tu tak leh nak marah sya balik ekekekek

so, on 14th January 2009 lahirlah seorang putera lagi untuk melengkapkan keluarga akak sya ni(huhuhu ayatku) namanya Mohd Izani Iskandar. suke tul la akak sya ni letak nama anak die panjang2, kang tak cukup kotak masa isi borang ntahapakebendenye kang sepanjang idup budak tu, tak ke naya? nasib baik la nama bapak ea tak panjang, sepatah je .. ekekek tak abih2 la sya ni ngutuk wakahakakhakhak (ampun akak n abang) banyak lak nak kena mintak maap raya tahun ni ehehehe korang2 sume, kalau sya ader buat salah yang tak sengaja, mintak di mahapkan la ye .. (sirius nih)

so citer pasal baby ni, die lahir dalam belah petang kalau tak silap, so akak tak leh balik lagi sebab doktor nak kena monitor baby tu punye health (apsal lak aku ni taip manglish nih???) so esok nyer(sya pun tak sabar nak jupe baby tu nih) kitorang beramai2 segerombolan pegi la tengok akak sya kat spital tuh (lama lak tak gi spital, jadi seram lak kejap) .. sampai je kat katil akak sya, sya terus nengok baby tu, alamak apsal lak cam kecik je baby ni, sya kata kat akak sya. akak sya kate, ape lak kecik, 3.25kg tu ..

3.25kg?? cam beso, tapi apsal lak baby ni nampak kecik? tak pe la, janji baby ni sihat, sya kate dalam hati. dalam pada takut sebab baby tu nampak kecik, gatal gak ni nak dukung baby tu .. menggigil beb, wa cakap lu .. huhuhu betul2 gegel, sebab dah lama tak pegang baby. sya pandang lama baby tu (mula la sandi kejap) ish ish ish comel lak baby ni, cerah lagi .. tengah duduk2 tu, nurse datang lak, comel wooo nurse die, kalau korang nak cari awek keje nurse, gi la spital seremban ekekek (free promosi lak aku ni)

sampai umah, agak petang sket sya nak freshen up kan baby tu, baby tu pun nampak rasa tak best je, may be sebab sejak lahir kemarin tu die tak rasa air lagi (iye ke? mandai je aku ni) sya siapkan air suam2 untuk lap2 je badan die, siapkan minyak kayu putih, bedak, losyen, pampers, barut n baju die, tak lupe gak ubat untuk tali pusat die (tang ni agak geli sket huahuahua) .. sya pun lap la badan baby tu, dari kepala, ke badan, sampai ke kaki die, pastu sapukan minyak kayu putih lak .. alamak aii minyak ni punye la wangi, suke tul sya bau minyak ni .. pastu, buh ubat kat tali pusat die, baru pakaikan barut .. then sapu bedak lak kat tiak die, kat leher die pastu kat belakang die ..

pakai la bedak johnson (wakhakhakahka iklan jap) .. pastu sya sapu la losyen, sebab baby baru lahir kan, kulit die agak kasar n menggelupas sket .. sedap lak baby tu kena urut tang tangan and kaki die .. dah siap sume tu, pakaikan la sarung tangan and kaki, kaler putih lagi .. pastu pakai baju lak .. dah siap sume tu, cium dulu kat leher die huyyoooo wangi nyer, anak sape la ni :) .. pastu last but not least bedungkan baby tu ngan kain yang jenis sejuk .. dah siap pun .. terus tido baby tu .. sya pandang lagi baby tu, damai je perasaan nye hmmm .. mana lak pegi mak baby ni??

mak baby (kakak sya la tu) leh duk tengok je .. astagaaaa sya tanye la apsal, die leh kata ape? tak berani nak buat sume tu sebab dah lama tak pegang baby .. ya ampunnnn .. ni memang dasar nak kena ngan sya la ni .. sya faham la masalah die ekekek ade history ni tapi tak yah la citer kat sini kan, cian die kang malu .. (ampun kak) so, lepas siapkan baby tu, sya leh amik pic dulu ekekkeke comel wooo sya suke sangat..

hmmm siang tadi, sya mandikan la baby tu, tapi kat dapur tu tengah siap nak masak, sya cakap la kat kakak sya, siapkan la ya, die leh kate ape? akak mana tau .. sya terus terpandang abang ipar sya, die terus geleng kepala tu .. akak sya ni la, buat malu je .. so sya pun siapkan la baby tu, pakai minyak, baju, wangi2 .. adehh lemah tul sya kalau ngan baby ni tau .. siap dah, amik pic lagi ekekkeke comel tak? comel tak? ok la, ni pun dah jauh malam, jap tadi baby tu nangis lagi, nak susu la tu ekekke sya pun nak tido ..

-out-

Sumthing's Gotta Give - Jack Nicholson, Deanna Keatton, Keanu Reeves

dis movie was actually played tonite on 8TV on popcorn 'n wednesday segment, i owez wanted to watch dis movie n actually did watch it .. i only get to watch 30 mins after d movie starts but wat d heck, i still watch it till it ends n d ends actually heart touching .. why do we owez cry wen we only realizes dat is d only thing dat we owez wants? why do we only realizes it wen we have lost it, wen we can never get it back? why do things happen wen all dat we cud ever want is dat person alone to be here n now? why? why? why?

fer me, i owez want dat person to be wit me, not any one else .. but y do i owez fall fer sumone who already being wit sumone else? why is it dat only dat kinda guy cud understand wat i want? why cant dat young single guy figure out wat i want? wat do i want? i told dis one guy wat i want, but still he couldnt commit to it .. its just a simple thing n i'm willing to give him my whole life n world to .. but dat's actually too much fer him .. is it too much? does wanting a sincere heart to love is too much to ask? does it?

since then i never dare ask again .. sure, love me, care fer me .. but dont ask me wat i want any more, ever .. cos i cant take another broken heart in my heart of hearts .. if i cud show u my heart, i dont think u'd want to see it, cos its full wit cuts, bandages and so many scars .. cos so many people has broken my heart, n now i'm afraid dat if u did break my heart, i couldnt manage to handle d pain anymore .. i'm afraid dat i couldnt glue n fix it back together again, i'm getting weaker by d second ..

why do i have to fall in love wit u? why do u have to act like u care about me? why do u have to show me dat u're concern when all u really care about is urself? why do u have to say all those sweet words wen u knew u never meant any of it? why do u have to break me wen i feel secure? why do u have to let ur words sliced my heart? why do u have to make me feel like i'm all u ever wanted wen u never did want me? why do u have to touch me wen none of it really wat u wanted to do?

all dis why is often in my mind, but u never there to give me my answers .. yes, u still in my mind, so why do u have to leave me without giving me all d explaination so i cud move on wit my life? is there any life fer me wen i see my life already passing me by wit only u in it? u owez say i'll stay strong even without u next to me, i just didnt realizes dat u never meant to stay .. why do u have to mend my broken heart wen all u wanted to do is break it again? and, dont i deserve any love? why do i need to be broken again n again?

years have passed me by, i shud know all dis is bound to happen again, n i was supposed to aware of it .. i do, i really do aware of all dis but why do i let myself lost it in again? i talk to a fren about it, she has become my best fren dis days .. she said, we shud remind our selves where's d limit, dont get beyond ur limitations, love only to be love back .. i knew dat, i swear i already knew dat, but why do i let myself lost in it again n again? i know i shud stop, n i'm going to stop now, n wats going to happen after dis?

let Him set it fer me, i'm not going to interfere anymore .. have i given up? i actually do, i knew most of u wouldnt agree to wat i'm doing, but please .. i cant bear to face another heart broken incident .. thanx fer may be giving me advice after dis, but i'm sure u guys wouldnt want to wasted ur precious time on me .. thanx a lot

happy birthday, Charma ..

Tahun Baru tahun ni hambar je, biase nye tahun baru sya akan ucap selamat hari ulang tahun gak untuk seorang kawan rapat, bukan takat kawan je, mungkin lebih sket .. nama dia Charma, sayang kat die ni .. kat kawan2 lain yang birthday pun sayang gak, cume kat die ni lebih sket .. dah 3 tahun kenal, tapi sekali pun tak sempat nak celebrate birthday die bersama .. teringin nak sambut hari lahir die, nak tengok die senyum sepanjang hari .. pernah janji ngan die nak sambut hari lahir die berdua, tapi setahun sekali tu macam tak pernah nak kesampaian lak .. hmm

setiap kali jupe ngan die hati rasa berdebar2 je, tak tau lak nape .. ade rasa nak jatuh cinta, ader rasa jantung ni cam nak meletup pun .. ntah la cam ner die rasa lak ye .. hmm tahun ni tak dapat nak ucap selamat kat die pun sebab die jauh kat negara orang, so sya nak amik kesempatan ni untuk ucapkan selamat tahun baru dan selamat menyambut hari lahir yang ke-32 .. semoga hari2 mendatang akan memberikan kebahagiaan berpanjangan untuk dia dan anak gadis dia .. semoga hari2 nya akan sentiasa diberkati oleh Yang Maha Esa .. semoga dia boleh kembali ke Malaysia ngan selamat dan bertemu semula ngan sya .. amin ...