date : 18th december 2006 monday 0249 hrs
subject : a day out with Charma ..

Hye ..
Charma is a sweet man with a soft heart, nice attitude, caring and loving, responsible and also thoughtful. i like this man so much right this very moment. i've known this man fer at least 2 months now and to be frank .. that's not enough time to tell how's someone really like. but i guess, if u're honest to urself, sincere beyond doubts its more than enough. we text each other if we could manage to find the time, he call when necessary, we chat on ym if i get online .. i can say we are close frens. but above all he's married .. and that's why he can be very thoughtful at times.

we only met fer about 3 times includes today.. the first time was last months and we met at KLCC, to hippie fer our ager but i cant think any where else to take him so we stay and chat inside and outside that buildingnearly 7 hours. we laugh at ourselves a lot that day. we talked about so many things, harmless things and on one stage i guess it got personal fer both of us, just thank goodness it didnt get too personal. i knew he was married to someone the first time we talked, i'm a little scared that things can get carried away but some how he managed to convinced me that everything will be in our control. its just the matter of our intentions, so we become frens. after the first meeting i get very comfy with this guy.

later, i managed to get myself into trouble, a decision that make him worried about my safetyand everything. i didnt mean to bother anyone with me and my problems but some how i did. i didint mean to make him worried about me, i didnt .. i just didnt realise that my decision had made me lose control of my own life and had bother so many people other than him. with my phone broken, i've just run out of ways to make him sure that i was fine. i manage to find shelter fer a little while but fer how long? in this rough moment he has become my saviour, he has been a lot of help and guide fer me. i didnt mean to burden him with my problems and he said, i didnt troubled him at all. being frens with him was my only intentions but now, with him always be there to help and guide me, i'm scared. it feels like i owe him in some way .. but i didnt wanna bring it up or i'll upsets him. at that moment our communications is limited to ym .. i told him how i've been, i've told him how i felt and then suddenly, i felt tears filling my eyes.

all this while .. no one have ever been or shoews that much cared to me .. not even my own family. i felt so lonely, i wish to be in someones' arms right then .. i long to be hug, i need to know that there's someone who still care about me. i didnt want to make him more worried than he already is. chatting with him that day really make me feel so touched. he shows how much he care to a fren, and he did say the right words at a right time .. then i realise one thing on my way back, i'm so touched by his cares that i forget about his status. hmm .. when i got my phone back, we did starts texting each other. he starts calling again. then one night, when i was thinking about him .. he texted me. i didnt realise what i was texting him then he ask me .. 'did i missed him?'

i was surprised when he ask me that, it took me sometimes to find a strength to answer him. why? because .. because i didnt i do until he ask me. to avaoid awkwardness between us i brought something up. then i ask him when will he come to see me again? he said soon but he cant promise me .. i thought i was ok with it but i'm not. i was disappointed at that time. again .. [0] i did it.[0] the next day he texted me telling he will come fer a visit. i am so excited. we texted until 1 a.m that morning. the day that he said has come, he called and we talked. he said he'll be leaving that evening and will be here before 10pm. he managed to find my place and we went out fer awhile. we sat on his car as he drive around fer hours and we been talking all the while. its like i'm trying to fill the empty place in my heart. then he starts asking questions about so many things that involves us. listening to his questions and the answer i've given him .. i feel very insecure, fragile .. but i'm too proud to let him see that. later when we sat at McD, he starts asking those questions again .. i feel like i have to do something about all this. i didnt lie to him, but at that moment i'm so sure that i've given him a proper answer. later he send me home and promise will see me again, the next morning.

honestly, after he send me home, i havent been thinking about anything that we've talked about. i dont know wether its because i'm sure i have nuthin to worry about or may be because i had so much fun seeing him again. he pick me up the next morningand we drove to MidValley. i know he hates crowd so much, when we entered the mall and saw lots of people .. i realise he's feeling very uncomfy. later i said may be we should try and went to KLCC. we did, but when we get there the movie we meant to watch was unavailable .. he felt i was disappointed but i said, its ok. then he said lets go to Genting .. i said sure. on our way we talked again. but at some point, i feel like he's talking all true facts about me and him that i just run out of words to say to him ..

we reach Genting safely, we ate and we walked around .. it was so cold that i feel i have to walk so close to him .. and i dont know what i was thinking when i ask him can i hold his hands. i know i didnt ask that because it was so cold that i wanted him to touch me .. i ask that because i wanted to feel him. later we walked back, holding hands , and i just didnt want him to let go of me. i feel strange some how. we drove back to KL, he ask me about what we talked last night. i forget to think about it so i just said what i should. i feel very strange .. close to reaching my place, he stop by a restaurant and we have something to eat, i feel strange .. i looked at him, watching him talking, watching him smiling, watching him blushing because i keep staring at him. we ask each other this questions since we drove back from Genting .. 'when will we see each other again .. but there's no absolute answer .. i feel sad cause he's about to leave .. i didnt look at him while leaving his car. i went up, get change and went to bed .. i try close my eyes to sleep but i cant. everything that we talked about is tingling in my ears .. i didnt know why i am so worried so much. later he call and we talked .. and now i understands.

i feel strange .. i'm being selfish .. i'm being too proud. i want him as a fren ferever, but what he said is much true. yes, he never did promise me anything, i knew that. but what i didnt realise is that i'm starting to feel him more than just a fren. may be becaus e i feel lonely and in need of someone that i choose to being selfish and forget that he belongs to someone else. i feel so comfy with him that i choose to let that feeling take control because i'm too proud to remind myself that he is not fer me. i want him so much to be with me that i choose to force myself to see him as a free man. he is right when he said he didnt want to solve a problem by creating another. he is right when he said you can still gain love even if you already have someone .. i know that pretty well too. but what he didnt know is that .. i meant him.

i know i was beyond my lines when i think of that, i know i was wrong to even think of that. i didnt know why is it so great between us .. but i know i can be hurt because i know that i wasnt meant to keep him. and i am upset that i cant keep him as a fren fer another 10 years as i've guaranteed. he said love will come first .. but fer me .. i will care fer u first .. i will love u is second .. and i will be responsible fer you is the next step. so before i cant even look back anymore, may be i will back out now. its not that i cannot control over things anymore, but its just like what u said .. i'll be the one who will feel the hurt. so, as i promised you .. i will tell you when i have to leave you.

Charma, as much as i love you as a fren .. i didnt want you to feel guilty fer anything. i have processed everything and i realise i want to keep the memory i have of you now. i know how sincere you are, i realise how true your intentions towards me, but as you said you didnt wnat to solve a problem by creating another. and i know you meant well when you said you didnt want to bleed my wound again. so before anything worse could happen to me, i will tell you gently .. i have to let you go .. i'm so sorry to have made this decision.



Come notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so smallI guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry
Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so smallI guess
I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby
After all...After all...

Everyone assumes dat being in love is dat top-of-d world feeling dat never fades. What so many dont realize that, while its a great, wonderful feeling - a chemistry dat works like magic just fer d two of u, a special aura dat cocoons u from d rest of d world, it has it setbacks too.

Wen u love sumone so much, it can really hurts wen things arent going rite between d two of u. D quarrels, wen they come, are terrible. U are so naked and vulnerable to being hurt. They know exactly how to hurt u. D agony of waiting fer d mails dat doesnt arrive, d words, which are no longer said, d time and d hug dat isnt there fer u anymore. And wen they smile in sumone else's direction and not urs, ur insides hurt like hell.

Storm is a mild expression wen lovers quarrel. Jealousy, wen it raises its ugly head, is uglier than u tot. Hurled accusations and more hit d walls wen u feel insecure. Threatened by d possible loss of dat love u've been able to count on fer so long. D time fer making up is also a time wen a small part of u dies within. Ur dignity and ur self-esteem suffer a severe blow in dat lovers' quarrel.

Yet u want no one else. Its their arms dat u still want around u. Its their murmured words of love u long to hear. Its finally them; too, u want to spent d rest of ur years with.

If wen I closed my eyes to dream
My every dream came true
Then I would close my eyes
And dream of u
I would dream of ur lovely eyes
As they gazed longingly into mine
Filled with so much love
And sparkling in d moonshine
I would dream of ur perfect lips
Held just slightly apart
And thru kissing them
I would kiss ur heart
I would dream of ur slender fingers
As they caressed my hair
Sending small shivers up my spine
In d warm night air
I would dream of ur whisper
So very close to my ear
Telling me not to be lonely
Fer u will always be here
And I would dream of uy love
As it surrounded me tight
And held me
Warm and safe
Thru out d nite
If dreams came true

Last night was very silent - silent with the deep, profound quiet of great uninhabited spaces. Suddenly I remembered my past. I had never before felt so completely removed and apart from d trivial current, d petty happenings of life. D deep silences possessed me with a feeling of absolute peace. I felt dat wat had happened would teach me to forget d sharpness of my sorrow, d shame of it. I had been made to feel that I could never hold up my head again nor look anyone in d face. I tot dat there was sumthing relentless and cruel about d manner of him leaving me.

Bit had gone without a warning, flinging me in d dust of d roadway. All those tots were present in my mind but already they had lost sumthing of their power to hurt and wound me. There was no moon, but in d starlite d contours of d landscape, d shapes of d trees, d outlines of d shadowy sentinel buildings were dimly visible. Here and there, a lonely lite gleamed like a jewel from some remote dwelling in d hills of Kundang Jaya.

And now, d death of Bit's memory flung wide d shut gate and release me. It had made me free. Free to love anyone. But sumtimes d way to d heart's desire is a difficult, painful way, costing too much, levying too heavy a toll and it was thus dat I now regarded d fact of my freedom. It seemed a frightful thing, bought with so heavy price dat now d gift was mine I dared not to look upon it, but hid my eyes. To me Bit is dead, but his hands still held me in a cruel and merciless grasp and I felt dat I dared not take this, her last 'gift' to me - d 'gift of my freedom'.

A teardrop fell and touched d ground
Wen it landed it made no sound
In all d world there was no one who saw
Dat tiny teardrop fall softly upon d forest floor
There was not a single soul who knew
Dat teardrop was shed fer u
Except a tiny angel who scooped it from d dirt
Who knew its value was far more than just hurt
She held dat little tear so very tight
And flew to u with all her might
D urgent whisper of her wings as she flew to u
Said that she had d most important job to do
By wing across d ocean it took a week
Before dat tiny tear fell upon ur cheek
U felt d moisture and wondered y
Wen there was no cloud in d sky
Suddenly ur heart sang as it knew
Sumone u tot lost had shed a tear over u
Ur heart skipped a beat n began to race
As u saw in ur mind dat wonderful face
Once again u felt d love u had shared
U had run away because u were scared
And u wished so hard dat u had my heart
Dat we had never separated, were never apart
D little angel took d tear from ur cheek
And flew so hard fer another week
It carried dat tear from u to me
So ur love i could plainly see
So two hearts could join from far away
And maybe be together on one future day

hmm .. this years raya is not very exciting fer me .. on d eve of hari raya's eve, i've been told that i'm not loved anymore. how sad is that? i tell u it really makes me sad .. i cried that night .. alone .. i never would have thought that this could be d end of my love story .. this is very painful .. i realise d trouble i put myself in, but in d end .. i'm still out of love ..

i still wants him back, but one person told me i shouldnt run after him .. but would u even consider that option when all u have fer him is love? i'm confused .. i dont know what to think right now .. i thought i could hold on to him, but it was never anymore .. how should i live my life now?

i'm out of words .. bubye

evening u guys ..

what a sunday .. its been raining when i was about to go out just now .. i'm so .. upset .. really? well, i was supposed to help my mom at home but am running away. i'll make it up to her later, promise ..

what i really wanna share with u guys today is about magic. i know most of us didnt really believe in magic, i dont either cos i knew its not that possible fer magic to appear in front of u .. but i watch CHARMED, the power of three .. it really captured me this time .. when piper was almost lost her beliefes in love, paige n phoebe was trying to be at help .. what is it that captured me is that the man they've created fer piper .. a present fer her birthday so she still believes in love ..

a man who piper couldve wish fer .. i wish so hard that i have that sort of power just to spear me my tears fer a lifetime .. my frens keep asking me how come i dont even have a boyfren at this age .. well, the truth is i've already sick n tired of looking fer one n keeping it .. even when this cyber thingy is working quite fine, i just happen to give up .. no more relationship means no more tears fer me .. and that is may be what i actually wanted ..

i'd rather be alone rather than being with someone n still be unhappy .. my frens could've said that not every man r d same .. yes, they're right fer once .. but i can list one thing that all man have in common .. thay could make me cry .. even if we're just being frens .. like One, he said i love u but wants us only be frens .. i accepted that but later, he just blow me away n never stay in touch anymore .. yes i know i love him but not as much as he loves me .. i dont care cos he said we're frens .. but he denied me ..

n how many more r going to do that to me to make me realize how stupid n naive of me to be fooled over n over again? i'm done fer now, my eyes felt warm means there's tears waiting to fall out ..

take care ..

date : 12 March 2004 Friday 0215hrs
subject : isk .. isk .. (why?)

here's something that i really dont wish to know, read, remind of or what ever you call it as .. once called a memory that i'd be choosing. i'm done partly from that frustration which had eat my heart out. i didnt really wish to play all of it back but just now it seems .. like there's something that really urges me to flip back to those pages. some people said, when you're thinking about someone, that someone could also be thinking about you too. urgh! yikes, like that could really happen. but, wouldnt .. couldnt it be a joy fer me to know that somehow .. he could be thinking of me .. fer a slight moment? i know i just couldnt stop thinking about him, even when i was up with kinky act with this guy .. somehow there's still him. he's the first man who touches me that way .. smoothly slipped thru my heart. God! i missed him ..

sure right now he's in bed with his pregnant wife .. sound asleep; and me here still thining about him at this stupid hour. i shouldnt still hung up to the same story all over again but i acnt really help it. here's somethin .. each time i thought i'cve made up my mind that i'm done with guys .. there would be someone who will give me a call. no matter if i know him or not .. or someone who barely call me since they had my number .. they'll be calling and the timing is always right .. when i choose to let go of what i have. geesh! i'm freaking out already ..

i admit it that somehow i'm feeling a little bit of joy knowing someone wants to treat me kind like he once did .. i'm feeling appreciated. i do, but since i somehow knew it wouldnt last .. i just choose to be a little over protectiveby ny chance. its hard but i just couldnt believe it that fer once i manage to hide away from it. by means that i have succesfully rejected the feeling i've been missing. God! this is just an achievement that i really have had enough of. this has really have to stop, i'd still have to fulfil my action list that i've listed. so, okay that right now i'm kinda forget soe of the things that i have to do .. i'm out ..

1847hrs .. i was doing nuthin, i just wishing so hard that what ever it is that i felt is something that wasnt even real to start with. i've been waiting fer him,as i thought that i never wanna talk to him anymore .. my heart hurt .. n i couldnt even figure out y it is happening .. is it just a plain obsession, it's a good feeling but it so happens that it does hurt a lot too ..
i hate being hurt all the time, i know so well that this can hardly work out .. but still, at least there's still hope .. n when there's hope, there might be a chance. i was hoping fer something to happen but i'm not sure about all of it .. i just feel lost .. i think i'm gonna cry ..
i hate all this .. helppppppp!!!!!!!!!

ok .. just happen to tuck my nephew to bed, carressing his hair so he feel comfortable n knowing that i'm still there. suddenly i remembered .. doing d same thing to him, him who had capture my attention without trying so hard. n right now i can ask myself .. what is it that he had that made me love him so much without thinking so much of a reasonable doubt? i remember him being so nice and lovable .. being unconditional when so happens i'm not that perfect ..
i realize that may be he does love me a little bit, what made me wonder is that .. why havent he loves me as much as i do .. then. am i not capable to love anyone? i just established a connection to my home, which has allow me to remain contact to my fren in kl .. n also gather new frens. all of the new gals n guys fren that i met, one had captured my attention. he's so far in new zealand, n i'm here ..
i just thought i have a crush on him n that had made me worried .. he has never see me yet, but today .. he said he loves me .. i dont know what else to make of him. he's been sweet all this while, jokes a lot and somehow he does made me misses him. that wasnt supposed to happen since i knew it wasnt gonna work out. i just dont know what tomake of it anymore ..

well, its getting late somehow .. i remember telling my big sister that i'm missing Wan, the part that she didnt know is that .. i'm missing him terribly. all the sudden she ask, which one is it? i smiled, so .. there issomething that missed her senses ..