evening u guys ..

what a sunday .. its been raining when i was about to go out just now .. i'm so .. upset .. really? well, i was supposed to help my mom at home but am running away. i'll make it up to her later, promise ..

what i really wanna share with u guys today is about magic. i know most of us didnt really believe in magic, i dont either cos i knew its not that possible fer magic to appear in front of u .. but i watch CHARMED, the power of three .. it really captured me this time .. when piper was almost lost her beliefes in love, paige n phoebe was trying to be at help .. what is it that captured me is that the man they've created fer piper .. a present fer her birthday so she still believes in love ..

a man who piper couldve wish fer .. i wish so hard that i have that sort of power just to spear me my tears fer a lifetime .. my frens keep asking me how come i dont even have a boyfren at this age .. well, the truth is i've already sick n tired of looking fer one n keeping it .. even when this cyber thingy is working quite fine, i just happen to give up .. no more relationship means no more tears fer me .. and that is may be what i actually wanted ..

i'd rather be alone rather than being with someone n still be unhappy .. my frens could've said that not every man r d same .. yes, they're right fer once .. but i can list one thing that all man have in common .. thay could make me cry .. even if we're just being frens .. like One, he said i love u but wants us only be frens .. i accepted that but later, he just blow me away n never stay in touch anymore .. yes i know i love him but not as much as he loves me .. i dont care cos he said we're frens .. but he denied me ..

n how many more r going to do that to me to make me realize how stupid n naive of me to be fooled over n over again? i'm done fer now, my eyes felt warm means there's tears waiting to fall out ..

take care ..

date : 12 March 2004 Friday 0215hrs
subject : isk .. isk .. (why?)

here's something that i really dont wish to know, read, remind of or what ever you call it as .. once called a memory that i'd be choosing. i'm done partly from that frustration which had eat my heart out. i didnt really wish to play all of it back but just now it seems .. like there's something that really urges me to flip back to those pages. some people said, when you're thinking about someone, that someone could also be thinking about you too. urgh! yikes, like that could really happen. but, wouldnt .. couldnt it be a joy fer me to know that somehow .. he could be thinking of me .. fer a slight moment? i know i just couldnt stop thinking about him, even when i was up with kinky act with this guy .. somehow there's still him. he's the first man who touches me that way .. smoothly slipped thru my heart. God! i missed him ..

sure right now he's in bed with his pregnant wife .. sound asleep; and me here still thining about him at this stupid hour. i shouldnt still hung up to the same story all over again but i acnt really help it. here's somethin .. each time i thought i'cve made up my mind that i'm done with guys .. there would be someone who will give me a call. no matter if i know him or not .. or someone who barely call me since they had my number .. they'll be calling and the timing is always right .. when i choose to let go of what i have. geesh! i'm freaking out already ..

i admit it that somehow i'm feeling a little bit of joy knowing someone wants to treat me kind like he once did .. i'm feeling appreciated. i do, but since i somehow knew it wouldnt last .. i just choose to be a little over protectiveby ny chance. its hard but i just couldnt believe it that fer once i manage to hide away from it. by means that i have succesfully rejected the feeling i've been missing. God! this is just an achievement that i really have had enough of. this has really have to stop, i'd still have to fulfil my action list that i've listed. so, okay that right now i'm kinda forget soe of the things that i have to do .. i'm out ..