date : 18th december 2006 monday 0249 hrs
subject : a day out with Charma ..

Hye ..
Charma is a sweet man with a soft heart, nice attitude, caring and loving, responsible and also thoughtful. i like this man so much right this very moment. i've known this man fer at least 2 months now and to be frank .. that's not enough time to tell how's someone really like. but i guess, if u're honest to urself, sincere beyond doubts its more than enough. we text each other if we could manage to find the time, he call when necessary, we chat on ym if i get online .. i can say we are close frens. but above all he's married .. and that's why he can be very thoughtful at times.

we only met fer about 3 times includes today.. the first time was last months and we met at KLCC, to hippie fer our ager but i cant think any where else to take him so we stay and chat inside and outside that buildingnearly 7 hours. we laugh at ourselves a lot that day. we talked about so many things, harmless things and on one stage i guess it got personal fer both of us, just thank goodness it didnt get too personal. i knew he was married to someone the first time we talked, i'm a little scared that things can get carried away but some how he managed to convinced me that everything will be in our control. its just the matter of our intentions, so we become frens. after the first meeting i get very comfy with this guy.

later, i managed to get myself into trouble, a decision that make him worried about my safetyand everything. i didnt mean to bother anyone with me and my problems but some how i did. i didint mean to make him worried about me, i didnt .. i just didnt realise that my decision had made me lose control of my own life and had bother so many people other than him. with my phone broken, i've just run out of ways to make him sure that i was fine. i manage to find shelter fer a little while but fer how long? in this rough moment he has become my saviour, he has been a lot of help and guide fer me. i didnt mean to burden him with my problems and he said, i didnt troubled him at all. being frens with him was my only intentions but now, with him always be there to help and guide me, i'm scared. it feels like i owe him in some way .. but i didnt wanna bring it up or i'll upsets him. at that moment our communications is limited to ym .. i told him how i've been, i've told him how i felt and then suddenly, i felt tears filling my eyes.

all this while .. no one have ever been or shoews that much cared to me .. not even my own family. i felt so lonely, i wish to be in someones' arms right then .. i long to be hug, i need to know that there's someone who still care about me. i didnt want to make him more worried than he already is. chatting with him that day really make me feel so touched. he shows how much he care to a fren, and he did say the right words at a right time .. then i realise one thing on my way back, i'm so touched by his cares that i forget about his status. hmm .. when i got my phone back, we did starts texting each other. he starts calling again. then one night, when i was thinking about him .. he texted me. i didnt realise what i was texting him then he ask me .. 'did i missed him?'

i was surprised when he ask me that, it took me sometimes to find a strength to answer him. why? because .. because i didnt i do until he ask me. to avaoid awkwardness between us i brought something up. then i ask him when will he come to see me again? he said soon but he cant promise me .. i thought i was ok with it but i'm not. i was disappointed at that time. again .. [0] i did it.[0] the next day he texted me telling he will come fer a visit. i am so excited. we texted until 1 a.m that morning. the day that he said has come, he called and we talked. he said he'll be leaving that evening and will be here before 10pm. he managed to find my place and we went out fer awhile. we sat on his car as he drive around fer hours and we been talking all the while. its like i'm trying to fill the empty place in my heart. then he starts asking questions about so many things that involves us. listening to his questions and the answer i've given him .. i feel very insecure, fragile .. but i'm too proud to let him see that. later when we sat at McD, he starts asking those questions again .. i feel like i have to do something about all this. i didnt lie to him, but at that moment i'm so sure that i've given him a proper answer. later he send me home and promise will see me again, the next morning.

honestly, after he send me home, i havent been thinking about anything that we've talked about. i dont know wether its because i'm sure i have nuthin to worry about or may be because i had so much fun seeing him again. he pick me up the next morningand we drove to MidValley. i know he hates crowd so much, when we entered the mall and saw lots of people .. i realise he's feeling very uncomfy. later i said may be we should try and went to KLCC. we did, but when we get there the movie we meant to watch was unavailable .. he felt i was disappointed but i said, its ok. then he said lets go to Genting .. i said sure. on our way we talked again. but at some point, i feel like he's talking all true facts about me and him that i just run out of words to say to him ..

we reach Genting safely, we ate and we walked around .. it was so cold that i feel i have to walk so close to him .. and i dont know what i was thinking when i ask him can i hold his hands. i know i didnt ask that because it was so cold that i wanted him to touch me .. i ask that because i wanted to feel him. later we walked back, holding hands , and i just didnt want him to let go of me. i feel strange some how. we drove back to KL, he ask me about what we talked last night. i forget to think about it so i just said what i should. i feel very strange .. close to reaching my place, he stop by a restaurant and we have something to eat, i feel strange .. i looked at him, watching him talking, watching him smiling, watching him blushing because i keep staring at him. we ask each other this questions since we drove back from Genting .. 'when will we see each other again .. but there's no absolute answer .. i feel sad cause he's about to leave .. i didnt look at him while leaving his car. i went up, get change and went to bed .. i try close my eyes to sleep but i cant. everything that we talked about is tingling in my ears .. i didnt know why i am so worried so much. later he call and we talked .. and now i understands.

i feel strange .. i'm being selfish .. i'm being too proud. i want him as a fren ferever, but what he said is much true. yes, he never did promise me anything, i knew that. but what i didnt realise is that i'm starting to feel him more than just a fren. may be becaus e i feel lonely and in need of someone that i choose to being selfish and forget that he belongs to someone else. i feel so comfy with him that i choose to let that feeling take control because i'm too proud to remind myself that he is not fer me. i want him so much to be with me that i choose to force myself to see him as a free man. he is right when he said he didnt want to solve a problem by creating another. he is right when he said you can still gain love even if you already have someone .. i know that pretty well too. but what he didnt know is that .. i meant him.

i know i was beyond my lines when i think of that, i know i was wrong to even think of that. i didnt know why is it so great between us .. but i know i can be hurt because i know that i wasnt meant to keep him. and i am upset that i cant keep him as a fren fer another 10 years as i've guaranteed. he said love will come first .. but fer me .. i will care fer u first .. i will love u is second .. and i will be responsible fer you is the next step. so before i cant even look back anymore, may be i will back out now. its not that i cannot control over things anymore, but its just like what u said .. i'll be the one who will feel the hurt. so, as i promised you .. i will tell you when i have to leave you.

Charma, as much as i love you as a fren .. i didnt want you to feel guilty fer anything. i have processed everything and i realise i want to keep the memory i have of you now. i know how sincere you are, i realise how true your intentions towards me, but as you said you didnt wnat to solve a problem by creating another. and i know you meant well when you said you didnt want to bleed my wound again. so before anything worse could happen to me, i will tell you gently .. i have to let you go .. i'm so sorry to have made this decision.



Come notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so smallI guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry
Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so smallI guess
I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby
After all...After all...