Everyone assumes dat being in love is dat top-of-d world feeling dat never fades. What so many dont realize that, while its a great, wonderful feeling - a chemistry dat works like magic just fer d two of u, a special aura dat cocoons u from d rest of d world, it has it setbacks too.

Wen u love sumone so much, it can really hurts wen things arent going rite between d two of u. D quarrels, wen they come, are terrible. U are so naked and vulnerable to being hurt. They know exactly how to hurt u. D agony of waiting fer d mails dat doesnt arrive, d words, which are no longer said, d time and d hug dat isnt there fer u anymore. And wen they smile in sumone else's direction and not urs, ur insides hurt like hell.

Storm is a mild expression wen lovers quarrel. Jealousy, wen it raises its ugly head, is uglier than u tot. Hurled accusations and more hit d walls wen u feel insecure. Threatened by d possible loss of dat love u've been able to count on fer so long. D time fer making up is also a time wen a small part of u dies within. Ur dignity and ur self-esteem suffer a severe blow in dat lovers' quarrel.

Yet u want no one else. Its their arms dat u still want around u. Its their murmured words of love u long to hear. Its finally them; too, u want to spent d rest of ur years with.

If wen I closed my eyes to dream
My every dream came true
Then I would close my eyes
And dream of u
I would dream of ur lovely eyes
As they gazed longingly into mine
Filled with so much love
And sparkling in d moonshine
I would dream of ur perfect lips
Held just slightly apart
And thru kissing them
I would kiss ur heart
I would dream of ur slender fingers
As they caressed my hair
Sending small shivers up my spine
In d warm night air
I would dream of ur whisper
So very close to my ear
Telling me not to be lonely
Fer u will always be here
And I would dream of uy love
As it surrounded me tight
And held me
Warm and safe
Thru out d nite
If dreams came true

Last night was very silent - silent with the deep, profound quiet of great uninhabited spaces. Suddenly I remembered my past. I had never before felt so completely removed and apart from d trivial current, d petty happenings of life. D deep silences possessed me with a feeling of absolute peace. I felt dat wat had happened would teach me to forget d sharpness of my sorrow, d shame of it. I had been made to feel that I could never hold up my head again nor look anyone in d face. I tot dat there was sumthing relentless and cruel about d manner of him leaving me.

Bit had gone without a warning, flinging me in d dust of d roadway. All those tots were present in my mind but already they had lost sumthing of their power to hurt and wound me. There was no moon, but in d starlite d contours of d landscape, d shapes of d trees, d outlines of d shadowy sentinel buildings were dimly visible. Here and there, a lonely lite gleamed like a jewel from some remote dwelling in d hills of Kundang Jaya.

And now, d death of Bit's memory flung wide d shut gate and release me. It had made me free. Free to love anyone. But sumtimes d way to d heart's desire is a difficult, painful way, costing too much, levying too heavy a toll and it was thus dat I now regarded d fact of my freedom. It seemed a frightful thing, bought with so heavy price dat now d gift was mine I dared not to look upon it, but hid my eyes. To me Bit is dead, but his hands still held me in a cruel and merciless grasp and I felt dat I dared not take this, her last 'gift' to me - d 'gift of my freedom'.

A teardrop fell and touched d ground
Wen it landed it made no sound
In all d world there was no one who saw
Dat tiny teardrop fall softly upon d forest floor
There was not a single soul who knew
Dat teardrop was shed fer u
Except a tiny angel who scooped it from d dirt
Who knew its value was far more than just hurt
She held dat little tear so very tight
And flew to u with all her might
D urgent whisper of her wings as she flew to u
Said that she had d most important job to do
By wing across d ocean it took a week
Before dat tiny tear fell upon ur cheek
U felt d moisture and wondered y
Wen there was no cloud in d sky
Suddenly ur heart sang as it knew
Sumone u tot lost had shed a tear over u
Ur heart skipped a beat n began to race
As u saw in ur mind dat wonderful face
Once again u felt d love u had shared
U had run away because u were scared
And u wished so hard dat u had my heart
Dat we had never separated, were never apart
D little angel took d tear from ur cheek
And flew so hard fer another week
It carried dat tear from u to me
So ur love i could plainly see
So two hearts could join from far away
And maybe be together on one future day

hmm .. this years raya is not very exciting fer me .. on d eve of hari raya's eve, i've been told that i'm not loved anymore. how sad is that? i tell u it really makes me sad .. i cried that night .. alone .. i never would have thought that this could be d end of my love story .. this is very painful .. i realise d trouble i put myself in, but in d end .. i'm still out of love ..

i still wants him back, but one person told me i shouldnt run after him .. but would u even consider that option when all u have fer him is love? i'm confused .. i dont know what to think right now .. i thought i could hold on to him, but it was never anymore .. how should i live my life now?

i'm out of words .. bubye

evening u guys ..

what a sunday .. its been raining when i was about to go out just now .. i'm so .. upset .. really? well, i was supposed to help my mom at home but am running away. i'll make it up to her later, promise ..

what i really wanna share with u guys today is about magic. i know most of us didnt really believe in magic, i dont either cos i knew its not that possible fer magic to appear in front of u .. but i watch CHARMED, the power of three .. it really captured me this time .. when piper was almost lost her beliefes in love, paige n phoebe was trying to be at help .. what is it that captured me is that the man they've created fer piper .. a present fer her birthday so she still believes in love ..

a man who piper couldve wish fer .. i wish so hard that i have that sort of power just to spear me my tears fer a lifetime .. my frens keep asking me how come i dont even have a boyfren at this age .. well, the truth is i've already sick n tired of looking fer one n keeping it .. even when this cyber thingy is working quite fine, i just happen to give up .. no more relationship means no more tears fer me .. and that is may be what i actually wanted ..

i'd rather be alone rather than being with someone n still be unhappy .. my frens could've said that not every man r d same .. yes, they're right fer once .. but i can list one thing that all man have in common .. thay could make me cry .. even if we're just being frens .. like One, he said i love u but wants us only be frens .. i accepted that but later, he just blow me away n never stay in touch anymore .. yes i know i love him but not as much as he loves me .. i dont care cos he said we're frens .. but he denied me ..

n how many more r going to do that to me to make me realize how stupid n naive of me to be fooled over n over again? i'm done fer now, my eyes felt warm means there's tears waiting to fall out ..

take care ..

date : 12 March 2004 Friday 0215hrs
subject : isk .. isk .. (why?)

here's something that i really dont wish to know, read, remind of or what ever you call it as .. once called a memory that i'd be choosing. i'm done partly from that frustration which had eat my heart out. i didnt really wish to play all of it back but just now it seems .. like there's something that really urges me to flip back to those pages. some people said, when you're thinking about someone, that someone could also be thinking about you too. urgh! yikes, like that could really happen. but, wouldnt .. couldnt it be a joy fer me to know that somehow .. he could be thinking of me .. fer a slight moment? i know i just couldnt stop thinking about him, even when i was up with kinky act with this guy .. somehow there's still him. he's the first man who touches me that way .. smoothly slipped thru my heart. God! i missed him ..

sure right now he's in bed with his pregnant wife .. sound asleep; and me here still thining about him at this stupid hour. i shouldnt still hung up to the same story all over again but i acnt really help it. here's somethin .. each time i thought i'cve made up my mind that i'm done with guys .. there would be someone who will give me a call. no matter if i know him or not .. or someone who barely call me since they had my number .. they'll be calling and the timing is always right .. when i choose to let go of what i have. geesh! i'm freaking out already ..

i admit it that somehow i'm feeling a little bit of joy knowing someone wants to treat me kind like he once did .. i'm feeling appreciated. i do, but since i somehow knew it wouldnt last .. i just choose to be a little over protectiveby ny chance. its hard but i just couldnt believe it that fer once i manage to hide away from it. by means that i have succesfully rejected the feeling i've been missing. God! this is just an achievement that i really have had enough of. this has really have to stop, i'd still have to fulfil my action list that i've listed. so, okay that right now i'm kinda forget soe of the things that i have to do .. i'm out ..

1847hrs .. i was doing nuthin, i just wishing so hard that what ever it is that i felt is something that wasnt even real to start with. i've been waiting fer him,as i thought that i never wanna talk to him anymore .. my heart hurt .. n i couldnt even figure out y it is happening .. is it just a plain obsession, it's a good feeling but it so happens that it does hurt a lot too ..
i hate being hurt all the time, i know so well that this can hardly work out .. but still, at least there's still hope .. n when there's hope, there might be a chance. i was hoping fer something to happen but i'm not sure about all of it .. i just feel lost .. i think i'm gonna cry ..
i hate all this .. helppppppp!!!!!!!!!

ok .. just happen to tuck my nephew to bed, carressing his hair so he feel comfortable n knowing that i'm still there. suddenly i remembered .. doing d same thing to him, him who had capture my attention without trying so hard. n right now i can ask myself .. what is it that he had that made me love him so much without thinking so much of a reasonable doubt? i remember him being so nice and lovable .. being unconditional when so happens i'm not that perfect ..
i realize that may be he does love me a little bit, what made me wonder is that .. why havent he loves me as much as i do .. then. am i not capable to love anyone? i just established a connection to my home, which has allow me to remain contact to my fren in kl .. n also gather new frens. all of the new gals n guys fren that i met, one had captured my attention. he's so far in new zealand, n i'm here ..
i just thought i have a crush on him n that had made me worried .. he has never see me yet, but today .. he said he loves me .. i dont know what else to make of him. he's been sweet all this while, jokes a lot and somehow he does made me misses him. that wasnt supposed to happen since i knew it wasnt gonna work out. i just dont know what tomake of it anymore ..

well, its getting late somehow .. i remember telling my big sister that i'm missing Wan, the part that she didnt know is that .. i'm missing him terribly. all the sudden she ask, which one is it? i smiled, so .. there issomething that missed her senses ..

date : 12th February 2005
subject: love again

ello ..

its been hard since i dont even know what to think about Wan anymore. i do love him but maybe since it wasnt always enough makes me think its better to let go. it's happening again, i know i shouldnt do this since he's the greatest guy i've ever met.

i want him to at least find his own happiness withiut waiting fer me. indeed if he is ..i dont know, i didnt want him to feel bad or upset towards me ... it's just i dont want him to feel like he's wasting his time on me all this time after we met. he did said that he loves me, cares fer me .. but i couldnt even figured out what's on his mind lately.

i'm confused, they say girl are hard to undeerstand well that actually goes to the men as well.

-- i'm out --

Date: 22nd November, 2004 Monday 1756hrs
Subject: all alone .. ?

evening all .. still in holiday's mood i guess. today is most relentless mood ever ..
i'm being happy, i guess. there's a saying .. i had aphone call last nite and it made
me really one heck of a happy person. i knew somehow may be it wouldnt last
any longer but who cares? as long as i can experience it now.

i happen to remember tee kay .. havent heard from him much. of course .. i'm
nobody to him that's fer sure. n i couldnt care a less of what he think .. i am still a
happy person.

take care u guys

Date : 17th February 2004 Teusday 1103 hrs
Subject: Valentinez ???

Celebrate love shared between lovers,
Wishing so hard i t would last ferever,
To trust and understand each other,
So love would always remain and lasts ...

- i'm still wishing fer you too

I actually have to struggle just to get used to myelf lately. I dont really know how d hell have i lo st trac k during these days ... seems like love is in d air this FEB but somehow i still am felt being untrusted to love again. Hehehe ... sounds a bit corny but somehow that's d truth i wouldnt really know n others just dont give a damn to even finds out.

I have this idea of a romantic nite out but just didnt have that someone to share d idea to, how pathetic that makes me. really i mean, a girl my age ... dont even have a boyfren ... i'm pahetic.

Geesh ...

well, starting anew is something that i find it hard. fer others may be it's a gud start but fer me its just something that i know wouldnt really be ... i dont know. i just struck my mind over things i should get over it already but i just cant. and someone has call me stupid fer it. but alas, i dont care ...